When I was in high school, my first real boyfriend was killed by a drunk driver. I won't go into the whole story, but it took months for me to begin to break apart and grieve.....maybe it was just too big to process quickly. I did want to....but couldn't.
So today in the shower I broke apart again....and I let myself break. I cried out, knowing a well insulated house and the sound of the water would cover the cries. I sobbed, wailed really, for another chance, a do-over, an apology, an acknowledgement of pain. I composed a long evoking blog post that was certain - in my world - to draw tears and mend fences and finally make me whole. By the time I finfished my marathon shower, I was spent from crouching under the water, and my head was throbbing.
I will never compose that blog post.
The pain that couldn't find its way into expression poured out. It still hurts. But I will survive. I felt clean after that shower...my nosed was stuffed and my eyes were puffy. But I was clean. And it is time to finish. So this final post....at least for a long while.....is my declaration, my way of shaking off the dust, leaving behind my sixth grade ways - that girl who tried so hard to make the cool kids like her.....and still does so. it's time to lighten my load and close my ears and eyes and thoughts and life to what - in the grand scheme of eternity - no.longer.matters.
I will continue. I will have friends who are friends....I already do. I will have another chance to smile into little faces, and I will succeed...AGAIN.
Goodbye to the things that broke me, and see you later to the people who are still truly here.
I
Am
Free
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
