out of the mouths of babes

Tonight I watched a special called Bipolar Mysteries on Discovery Health. It followed four families that had children with bipolar disorder. The eleven year old, Kelsey, was wise beyond her years. She was able to articulate what that rising, pressing, anger and frustration feels like...when the walls are closing in and your brain feels as if it is pressing against your skull, and you know that the fight or flight instinct is about to take over. And the despair that she shared with her other, being surrounded by people she had known for so long and yet never feeling a secure connection to them. Feeling as if she was walking a tightrope of acceptance, and she dare not miss a step. She talked about the things she said and did and felt when manic, things she wasn't even aware of and didn't always even remember until after the mania was gone. Being so very sorry for how grossly she disappointed those around her, but feeling helpless to say "I'm sorry" because the words were so weak, and she might do it again sometime. I watched these kids rage and cry and scream and throw things. I watched their parents talk about all the sometimes well-meaning and often condescending parental advice they got and tried, but to no avail. One boy was in the middle of a meltdown and began to cry, begging someone to make him stop. It was heartbreaking.

As an adult, I have more life experience, more tools with which to control my reactions and moods, and a thicker skin. I can easily discern the friends from the foes -- usually, sometimes they change teams. I am blessed that my illness was not triggered until I was an adult. I am also blessed that my husband loves me - all of me, and my children are mature and compassionate and intelligent. And that I have friends who have told me more than once (and mean it) that I can call them at 3:00 a.m. if I need to. In many ways, having a mental illness streamlines your life. It takes a lot of focus and energy to be who I should, so I have to trim the excess of my life. Regrets and Guilt? Blame and Shame? Gossip and Judgment? Too much baggage. Christian, wife, mother, teacher, sister, daughter, friend....that is what really counts. I have to get those right.

So tonight I am thankful that I have so many things to be thankful for.