May Third

Today I saw some vibrant flowers. They were a wonderful contrast to the colorless, rainy weather. It made me think of a line I remember reading from one of my lit classes..."a flower in a mud puddle." I don't even remember who wrote it.

I have many thoughts today. It's no different from any other day, really, except that I have not had the distractions today, the required activities that refocus my mental ramblings. I am troubled by a dream I had. I used to dream so vividly I could remember each detail. The lithium has blurred the lines of my dreams so that they are only brief clips and images of a bigger picture I will not see no matter how hard I try to remember. I remember being in court, testifying on my own behalf. I was wearing a strange shirt that closed on the side. When I opened the shirt in a dramatic, sweeping move, a gaping wound covered my abdomen. I remember thinking that when they jury saw my wound, their hearts would be pierced with empathy and even shame. Instead, they rolled their eyes and began texting. Funny, it's mid-afternoon, and my side hurts from the imaginary injury.

My life is changing, which is bound to happen from time to time. What will those changes entail? I do not know. But I know that what has always been real will remain, and what has never been real has already crumbled. And the only things of value are the things that are real.